how to stop a shame spiral (havening exercise for healing shame)

Has this ever happened to you?

You make a small mistake or maybe somebody looks at you funny, and all of a sudden you're convinced (on a bone deep level) that you're a stupid, bad person who's completely unloveable, who's probably going to lose all their friends and fail at everything you try because, you know, deep down that you're a fraud and you always have been.

That is a shame spiral.

And not only is it one of the most painful things for a human to experience, but it's also really hard to get out of.

Something gets triggered within you and it's like you get sucked into this state, where all of your insecurities are unquestionably true, and you can't seem to reality check it or show yourself any compassion.

In this video, I show you how to stop a shame spiral using a remarkable emotional healing technique called havening.

And I actually guide you through a havening exercise to break the trance of shame, connect you with a healthy sense of self compassion again, and soothe your nervous system so you can feel like yourself.

Watch the video now:

Exercise: Havening for healing shame

So to begin with, start using havening touch.

Gently rub your palms together, run your palms down your arms from shoulder to elbow (while giving yourself a gentle hug) or stroke your face or cheeks with your hands.

This gentle havening touch creates soothing delta waves that go straight into the part of your brain that's responsible for your emotional reactivity and for the encoding of trauma.

As you’re doing the exercise today, you're just going to continue doing the havening touch. You can move between those three locations: hands, arms and face in whatever way feels right to you.

Now go ahead and feel the shame in your body.

Where in your body do you feel the shame?

Is it more on the right or the left?

Is it deep or superficial?

Moving or still?

Does it have a color? A texture? A temperature?

How big is it in your body?

Just imagine that you could breathe into the height and the width and the depth of it.

Now, rate your level of distress from the shame, on a scale from 0 to 10.

Just noticing, where are you on that scale right now?

And then letting all of that go, continue with the havening touch and close your eyes.

Your imagination is going to call forward an image of your favorite place in nature.

Just notice what image shows up for you.

Now, your imagination is going to take you into that place in nature.

You're going to step into it. You're going to look around.

Noticing where you are.

Feeling the temperature of the air on your skin.

Smell the smells.

How many smells can you identify?

Looking around, you're going to notice four different shades of green.

Looking up to the sky, you're going to count 10 clouds.

Now you're going to take a walk in this beautiful place.

Notice, are you walking on a trail? On rock? Are your feet in the water?

And now count at your own pace 20 steps, really feeling what it's like for your feet to be walking through this beautiful place.

Keep havening, as you finish those 20 steps.

Notice where you are now and notice that there's a really lovely spot where you can sit down or lie down and rest.

And as you lie down in this beautiful place, you feel the texture of the surface that you're lying on, you feel the temperature of the ground.

And just for a half a moment, hum your favorite song.

Feeling your breath sustaining your hum.

Feeling the vibration of your hum on your lips, your throat.

Really let yourself go deeper and deeper into the feeling of humming in this beautiful place.

Feeling the air on your skin continuing to do the havening touch.

Take a gentle breath and start to bring your awareness back to your body in this present moment.

You're coming out of that beautiful place and back to your room.

Feel your skin, the skin of your palms against the skin of your face, the texture of your shirt or the skin of the other palm.

Just take a deep breath and tune into that feeling of shame and your body again.

Has it changed?

Again, rate your level of distress from 0 to 10.

Has that changed?

Now, just continuing to do the havening touch, in whatever way, feels good to you.

And say these statements out loud:

What if I'm not alone?

What if everyone feels this way sometimes?

What if there are lots of other people in the world who struggle in the same way that I struggle?

What if there's nothing wrong with me?

What if I'm not broken?

What if I'm not unlovable?

What if I deserve some compassion right now?

Finishing this sentence: What if I deserve some compassion right now because …

I'm open to the possibility of showing myself some compassion.

I'm open to the possibility of showing myself some compassion because …

Now finishing these sentences:

What I'm realizing now is …

How it feels to realize that is…

What I'm open to now is…

How I want to move forward now is…

And how I'm feeling now is…

Now just keep doing the havening touch for one more minute and repeat that word or phrase of how you're feeling.

Let the havening touch go and once again, rate your level of distress from 0 to 10.

And then let me know in the comments below, what your level of distress was at the beginning and the end and how this exercise was for you.

I hope that you found this exercise incredibly helpful!

Thanks so much. Have a wonderful day.

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hello inner lightOctober 21, 20211 Comment